𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐖𝐞 𝐏𝐫𝐚𝐢𝐬𝐞 𝐎𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐬' 𝐕𝐚𝐥𝐮𝐞𝐬, 𝐀𝐫𝐞 𝐏𝐫𝐚𝐢𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐎𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐯𝐞𝐬?

An actress recently gave an interview. She said she never kisses on screen because she believes that intimacy is reserved for her real-life romantic partner. The comments section filled with praise. People called her courageous. They admired her for sticking to her values. They celebrated her conviction.

It made me wonder. What if another actress gave an interview and said something different? What if she said she is willing to kiss on screen because her values tell her that acting is acting, that what happens on screen has no connection to her real life? Would she also be praised for sticking to her values? Would the same people call her courageous?

I suspect not. I suspect she would be judged. She would be called compromising. She would be labelled as having no values at all.

This is the bias we do not see. We do not praise people for sticking to their values. We praise them for sticking to values that align with our own. We celebrate convictions that mirror our own beliefs. We validate ourselves through their choices. Courage is not the point. The agreement is the point.

Consider another example. A parent decides to send their child to a traditional school. They believe in structure, discipline, and a standard curriculum. They are praised for being responsible, for prioritising their child's future. Another parent decides to homeschool their child. They believe in flexibility, creativity, and individualised learning. They are often questioned, doubted, and criticised. Both are sticking to their values. But only one set of values receives applause.

A person chooses to live a minimalist life, owning very few possessions. They are praised for being mindful and intentional. Another person chooses to enjoy their wealth, buying nice things and travelling frequently. They are called materialistic or excessive. Both are living in alignment with their values. Both are making authentic choices. But only one is celebrated.

What we call "courage to stick to values" is often just agreement with our own preferences. We project our own beliefs onto others and then applaud them for reflecting our image back to us. It feels like admiration. But it is really validation.

This is not to say that the actress who refuses screen kisses is not courageous. Perhaps she is. But so is the actress who refuses to let a job define her boundaries. So is the parent who chooses a path that invites criticism. So is the person who likes to earn more and spend more. They are all making conscious choices based on their own internal compass.

The next time you find yourself applauding someone for sticking to their values, pause. Ask yourself: Would I applaud them if their values were different? Would I call it courage if they chose the opposite path? The answer will tell you whether you are truly appreciating them or simply appreciating yourself in their reflection.