There are many times in our lives when we have to make a critical decision - quit a job, take an unknown opportunity, move out of a relationship, try a new cuisine etc. We are not sure of the outcome if we take a call to make the change. At that time a good question to ask ourselves is, “What will I lose if I do this?”
It brings into perspective what we have that we won’t have if we make the decision.
“I want to move out of this relationship,” she said hesitantly.
“What is stopping you?” I asked
“I am not sure of my decision” she replied.
“What are you getting in the relationship that won’t be there if you move out?” I queried.
She went into an introspective mode.
“Is there financial security in the relationship?”
“No, I am okay with my finances. I can handle that on my own.”
“Is there companionship, that you are going to miss?”
“Lack of companionship is the reason for me thinking of moving out” she emphasized.
"Is there a sense of security for you in being married?
"I am long past that" she sighed.
“So what are you getting in the relationship that you will not get if you move out?” I repeated the question.
“Actually I don’t think I will miss any part of this relationship. There is nothing in it for me. There is no emotional connection, there is no friendship, there is no intimacy, there is no shared future but there are all the ‘duties’ that I need to do as a wife as a daughter-in-law etc”
“What will you get new if you move out?”
“Freedom. Freedom from serving without appreciation, freedom to breathe, freedom to be not judged every minute” she intoned in relief.
We have a bias for not wanting to lose what we have if we make a risky move. We are wired to prevent losses to ourselves. In a conflicting situation where we are caught in a decision-making bind, asking what we will lose if we decide to change our lives and whether we can afford those losses will bring great clarity to the situation and show us a path.